Breaking the cycle

Many people have asked me about how it was to move to Norway at the tender age of 15. Most of them might think it was a daunting task, a drastic shift from the familiar rhythm of life in China. To their surprise, my answer was: liberating. It wasn't until the last few years that I could truly see where the liberating feeling came from, and how Filial Piety shaped my values, behaviors, thoughts, and relationships with myself and others.

Filial Piety (孝顺 xiào sūn), a cornerstone of Confucianism and many East Asian cultures, emphasizes respect, obedience, and devotion to one's parents and ancestors. While the most extreme interpretations are less common today, it can still have a significant impact on family, relational, and social dynamics. Filial Piety establishes a hierarchical power structure within families, assigning duties based on age, gender, and position. This can create a dynamic where younger generations feel immense pressure to fulfill their obligations, often sacrificing personal desires and ambitions. The emphasis on obedience and respect towards elders can hinder open communication. Disagreements are often discouraged, resulting in relationships that are often entangled, leading to misunderstandings, suppressed emotions, and inauthenticity.

The Contrast: Norwegian vs. My Upbringing

I didn't have a "tiger mom," but there was a constant burden to prove ourselves to our parents. The contrast between the Norwegian parenting style and my parents' was stark. My parents usually didn't praise me when I got good scores on tests. The only thing I remembered was why I didn't get a perfect score. Even with a perfect score, they might simply say to do the same again next time, without acknowledging my achievement.

Another aspect of Filial Piety is the expectation of repayment in return when we become adults, for the support they provided while raising us. I often remember my father joking about how much I "owed" him, even if it was meant as a joke. These transactional dynamics are the opposite of the unconditional love, trust, and mutual understanding needed for an emotionally resilient child. Filial Piety also places women at a disadvantage in the family hierarchy, often expecting them to prioritize family duties like childcare and eldercare, hindering their own personal development and career aspirations, or even their ability to express their own boundaries. Sacrifice is often seen as the highest virtue.

Impact and Reflection

This invisible veil created a dynamic that inevitably left deep wounds in my psyche, contributing to feelings of inadequacy and a fear of vulnerability. Books like "What Happened to You?" by Bruce Perry helped me understand the impact of my upbringing.

I don't want to say my parents are evil. They were simply raised in the same way they raised me. However, if we are not able to critically examine these values and "traditions," the toxic aspects will continue to be normalized and repeated across generations. Before you can do anything about it, you have to start by being curious about the value system you were brought up in.